Eating disorder.. recovery?

to be honest, i dont even know what im asking here, i just want to vent to someone because i feel so desperate. i have an eating disorder, and have had for over a year. it consumes my life :( i have tried, really tried, to get on with things. but i just cant. im really an all or nothing person and i just dont have... show more to be honest, i dont even know what im asking here, i just want to vent to someone because i feel so desperate.
i have an eating disorder, and have had for over a year. it consumes my life :( i have tried, really tried, to get on with things. but i just cant. im really an all or nothing person and i just dont have the energy to do anything else. im failing college, because i cant cope with it all. i hardly ever go out with my friends.. whats the point? i cant laugh at inane things because i cant just put on this happy front when really i just want to die. ive just gotten to this stage where im like whats the point in anything? oh yeah, anorexia. oh yeah, losing weight. so i get through the days just because i know im losing weight so its all worth it. really, i know its not worth it, i just cant help myself. i cant tell my parents, they'd laugh in my face probably, i'm 5'7, 112lbs and my bmi is 17.5. so basically im fat. they wouldnt take me seriously. i eat 130 calories a day, part of me hates that my mum just allows this.. like i said previously im probably so fat why would she think theres a problem. i have tried to recover on my own, but it either led to about 500 calories a day and losing more weight, or excessive binge/purging. i cant find a happy medium. i really cant. i feel like theres no-one to talk to. i dont want to get better because then they'd be absolutely no point to my existance, i wouldnt have anything to do with myself, and im too fat. i just cant live like this everyday.. i feel suicidal. this time last year i was 90lbs and there still wasnt a problem in my mums eyes, it's just like 'oh, my daughter doesnt eat, hahahah'. so im not counting on her to save me from myself any time soon, i think i'd have to have a heart attack or something before she even noticed or cared
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