1--Need To Know, Jewels, and Clayton have some very good ideas.
2--If you want to be sexist about having money problems, then answer me this: Why do men and boys grab guns and shoot to kill everyone in sight in schools, slaughter their entire families???
3--I don't know what your agreemenmt was with your wife when you married (stay home with the kids? Or, with no kids in the picture, she gets to be just a privileged housewife?
It sounds like a re-working of your agreement is in order as these are extraordinary times for EVERYbody--unless she wants to be a widow.
Indeed, if she wants to be a widow bc you dropped dead from the over-work and her stress, then I suggest you change the beneficiary on your insurance policy honey. NOW.
Make the beneficiary yo' mama, your cousin's dog, the child of whichever boss has been kindest to you. Jesus man, give it to a stranger who happens to be the lucky 10,000th bowler at your favorite alley.
THEN, we'll all sit back and watch as Who's Crying Now is played at your funeral...and supply her with tissues free of charge. Hell, we'll videotape it...it makes cheap and endles entertainment in these tough times.
I remember what it was like to have three jobs. I've done it several times...and it's generally a bad news scenario even though I was 100 years younger in those days that I did it.
I suggest that YOU *suggest* that she PULL her weight and stop throwing it around (via screaming, yelling, silent treatment, etc.)
If you want her to continue being a housewife, there are some basic things that she can, and should be, repsonsible for in helping you and your marriage out:
--Crock pot cooking lesser cuts of meat,
--Sending unused clothing to consignment shops for sale,
--Getting DVD's from the library for free, etc.
About.com has an entire site devoted to "Frugal Living".
Again, she needs to make an effort and pull her weight. Or else.
You certainly can't keep this up with her on your back.
Tell her she needs to get busy...and maybe get lost if she can't get a grip on herself and her anxiety--but preferably not before you offer her your enmotional support and confidence that things are goign to turn out ok, if not quite all right.
Yeah, after what you've been through with her, that's asking a lot, I know, but it nmay be something important that she needs to salvage the marriage--just as it is HER responsibility to offer this support in return.
Another thought that has just come to me is that I routinely offer certain advice to women, bc they are usually in the most trouble with abusive husbands, controlling boyfriends, frightening parents, and other assorted relatives and unhinged bosses.
My advice: Start salting away money for yourself in an account she doesn't know about and can't get at. Save some money each and every freakin' day you get your hands on some.
Don't you dare feel one whit guilty about it, esp. since she sounds like she's totally capable of clearing out the joint banking account and riding off into the sunset--without you.
As a matter of fact, if you don't do this and/or feel guilty about it, then I will reach through the internet, find you, and kick your a*ss my-damned-self.
And, yes, you ARE being abused emotionally, mentally, psychically.
Below is a great article about relationships for you to give long and hard thought to--and then to have long and hard conversations with your wife about. Several of the issues talked about directly apply to your situation.
Ready to Commit? (The links to this great article would not work, so I'm cutting and pasting).
Dating 101: How to Tell When You're Ready to Commit: Eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself
By Stacy D. Phillips (on Yahoo)Feb 24, 2009
There is something exhilarating about taking the big leap from dating to becoming a permanent "item" and making that final commitment.
But before you run off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.
As a divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the "Big Six."
These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional.
I ask my clients to take a close look at each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within themselves. Have you found the right person? Is it the right time?
Here are eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.
1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal responsibility.
2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've decided against having children." You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.
3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?
4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.
5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.
6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.
7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.
8. How does my mate deal with a "screwup?" Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.
· 1 decade ago