Time for a short poem ,please leave your comments?

Lost in fragrance

Of your beauty

I forget to

Smell roses

For you essence

Still lingers in

My heart

Almighty spared nothing

On you

He gave his all

A beautiful persona

And a generous soul

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Let's look at this line by line:

    "Lost in fragrance"

    Nothing extraordinary, but somewhat intriguing.

    "Of your beauty"

    Let's see, combine this with the line before and you're saying "Lost in fragrance of your beauty." Your syntax has become incorrect - you need to use these things called "articles." They're words like a, an, and the. Use them. But perhaps this is a reversal of the reader's expectation that an author's work be edited? How postmodern of you!

    A note here - now your first line makes no sense - beauty has no fragrance. Perhaps you're beginning an extended metaphor?

    "I forget to"

    Ah, by this line your general meter and rhyming scheme have become evident - there are none. You are of the "add line breaks for absolutely no reason other than I know that poetry has lines in it" school of poetry. Bold.

    "Smell roses."

    Ah, yes, we do have an extended metaphor! Excellent. Except that you're referencing perhaps the most obvious cliché in all of romantic poetry. Perhaps you are trying to play off of this stereotype? Perhaps you are doing this by subtly pointing the reader to the irony of the situation here - that no one, except for horticulturists, ever smells roses on a frequent enough basis that they can "forget to smell the roses" (oh my, you are referencing a clichéd saying as well as a clichéd image! Very clever!), and in claiming that your beloved's beauty causes you to forget them is, in a very sly way, a backhanded insult reminding her of her ordinariness? Clever!

    "For you essence"

    You have forgotten to put a comma after you. Your postmodern streak grows!

    "Still lingers in"

    Oh my, you weren't addressing the reader, you were misspelling "your". A duality of perception of errors caused by only one error! I admire your ability to condense and to impart multiple meanings into the text.

    "My heart"

    The imagery here is very clever. The heart is an organ of expulsion - it pumps blood seventy times a minute. And yet your love still lingers within it - what could this mean? Why, of course! She is a blood clot, causing your heart to clog, giving you a heart attack. Her ordinariness that you referenced earlier is "heart-stopping". Even the ordinary can have extraordinary power - but you have avoided the cliché of blatantly saying this trite fact, thereby hiding it, and thereby frustrated the reader by causing him to look, look, look for deeper meaning only to find the most base of facts! How wry.

    "Almighty spared nothing"

    Again, you dispense with the articles, only here it seems that you have such a personal relationship with God that you can deign to drop the "The" in the beginning of his name, like he was your buddy Frank or some such person. Interesting.

    "On you"

    So your friend Almighty has spared nothing on your beloved, indicating that your friend Almighty is either attempting to woo your lover, or had been romantically involved before. Either God is cuckolding you, or you are cuckolding God. How intriguing.

    "He gave his all"

    Obviously a reference to Christ's crucifixion.

    "A beautiful persona"

    The phrase here is obviously an appositive. But since the "all" of the previously line is "his", then this beautiful persona must, in fact, be Almighty's! Such a schizoid existence - to at once cuckold God and yet, at the same time, love him! Your poems shows unheard-of degrees of complexity.

    "And a generous soul"

    Although this line is necessary for rhythmic reasons, this line seems redundant in terms of content. Please replace it.

    All in all, ignoring the last line, this is one of the most intriguing postmodern works I have ever read, surpassing by far such established writers as Tennyson and Donald Rumsfeld. Please, please, contact your local literature professor!

  • 1 decade ago

    Ok. Gotcha. You followed the 3 step tenet. One, get rid of all punctuation marks. Two, all lines start with a capital letter. And Three, divide some sentences into 2 or 3 worded lines. And voila! A short nice poem!

  • 1 decade ago

    Excellent! You are a poet, romantic. Lavish in imagery. The rose is the symbol of a lot of things. And the vehicle and tenure, very good. Even though short, it conveys a lot

  • 1 decade ago

    Nice for a birthday card to the wife/girlfriend but beyond that lacks sincerity

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  • 1 decade ago

    Why do you have to ask this Bourne. Your poems are always good.. Very first line "Lost in fragrance of your beauty" impressed me a lot.

  • 1 decade ago

    The girl is lucky who inspires you to write such a lovely poem.

  • 1 decade ago

    Impressive...

  • 1 decade ago

    a very good poem with minor faults.

  • 1 decade ago

    beautiful lines... there is a lyrical rhythm which is wonderful..

  • As I always say your words are beautiful...

    It's pure!

    *Applauds"

    ~Smile :)

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