please help, i just found out my dad has been cheating with other men for over 8 years..?

i know its really really long, but please just read.

i was playing on his iPad one night, when i noticed he had a messaging app for yahoo. he had never said anything about yahoo IM or even having a yahoo email. so i was obviously was curious why he had it, so i had to see if i knew the password. i typed in the right password and the account loaded up. except when i looked at his contact, it was about 10 men with very inappropriate names and their profile pics were of their d*cks (sorry for the language). there was no conversations though. i started to freak out a little, i mean why the hell did my dad have contact of gay mens d*cks?? what the heck is going on? so i knew you have to have an yahoo email to have an IM account. so i logged on to his yahoo email account. he had a buttload of messages from random guys with gay names and pics. with conversations like "hey are we hooking up tonight, i leave work around blah and i can meet you". or like "hey i cant host, but i really like to suck. like LOVE sucking.". and other disgusting things like that. but the most recent message was in 2008 or 9 and the oldest one dated back to 2005. he had been doing this stuff for over 8 years. upon reading only a few of these messages, i was completely and utterly crushed and crying. since he obviously didnt use this account anymore, i tryed to find others. i found out he had two other "sex"/"cheating" accounts. he was actively using one account, but i didnt even log on for fear of what i may find. so the next day he left for work a little early and i was suspicious. he has an iphone so i used the find my phone app or whatever to see where he was. he wasnt at work. he was at a motel 6. again i was crushed. why was he doing this to my family? to my little brother?

well now that i have seen the unthinkable things my dad has said and done, im freaking out. he has NO clue that i know EVERYTHING. i often cry myself to sleep asking myself questions like how he could do this to my mom and little brother. they dont deserve any of this. none of it. and why was he doing it? with other men? what did we do to deserve this?

i plan to confront my dad eventually. or when i feel fully comfortable but im just so broken about this whole thing, i dont know how. but my high school softball is starting up and hes the booster leader/parent. if i tell him during the season, i feel like i would just be too emotionally overwhelmed to even play and that i might quit. i just couldnt deal with seeing him at all my practices/games. i know that when i confront him and my mother, it wont go well. like a divorce will probably come soon after i tell my poor mom. but i just need some help and advice, please. i am just numb right now. so crushed and heartbroken. i will never look at him the same. so please i just need some help with confronting my dad. and telling my mom. what do i do?

(yes i know i "snooped" around in his stuff but when your parent if cheating with others of the same sex, you just have to make sure. just have to make sure that youre not just going crazy. please no hate answers about snooping and all)

9 Answers

  • 6 years ago
    Best answer

    Don't worry about snooping. It was an accident and your curiosity was normal.

    I feel so sorry for you, but welcome to life. There are all kinds of people with a wide range of personality, belief systems and levels of integrity.The MAIN point in all of this is to know it does not change who you are. No matter what happens to you or what people do to you, you are still your own man. No one can change that. Gay dad, divorce...whatever...sadly this probably won't be the last unexpected problem in your life. Stay strong, stay centered and take care of yourself first, then your mom and brother and lastly your father. How you handle this situation will help you to form your character and the person you will be as an adult. Imagine, this is a story. Ask yourself how you would want your character to act and be that person.

    Understand it must be very difficult for your dad. I'm sure he loves your mom and you and your brother. Part of him wants a normal life, but he is, unfortunately, sexually attracted to men. All the raunchy emails are normal sex talk for many people.It is a way of adult play. Straight guys that want to cheat at least have their wives for some fun, but a gay guy married to a woman has no recourse other than to cheat. Trying to both repress his natural desires and hide them must be very hard. I imagine when you tell him there will be a huge breakdown followed by some relief that he no longer has to hide.

    Of course, your mom has to know and you have to be the one to tell her. Is there someone else you can rely on for support, an aunt, uncle, cousin. I know it is embarrasing and highly personal, not the kind of thing you want to go advertising. A school councelor may be able to help and it will be kept confidential.

    Whether you tell your father or mother first depends on their personalities. You will know what is best. I would not sit them down and tell them together as the simultaneous shock and awe may be troublesome. If it were me, I would simply handle it the only way you can. I would go in and not beat around the bush. Tell him you know he is gay and has been cheating. He may ***** and cry and whatever but stay strong. Be a man, be mature, because it is left up to you to be the strong one here. Then simply ask him, do you want to tell mom or do you want me to? When they cry, be the strong one, compassionate, yet strong. Do want you can to make it easiest for everyone and your brother.

    You sound like a smart, very mature young man. I know whatever you do, you will do well and things will work out.

  • 6 years ago

    I'd definitely confront him just quit softball beforehand... People might say that your brother deserves a father in his life but that's not the type of father I'd want to be around my family.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can't even imagine all the pain you're going through.

    Yes, you do deserve better that's why I said this. When you confront him is up to you... You can do it now you after you graduate high school. You can do it privately or with your mom there. You can ask him to stop or you can ask him to leave...

  • 4 years ago

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  • 6 years ago

    Years ago, being gay was not accepted by society, so gay men married, to keep their families from being embarrassed about them being gay. They thought they had to do this. Nowadays it is easy for a gay man to come out and say he likes men. It was not acceptable then. You need to let this go. He is still your father and still loves you. His sex life is not your business. Your mother probably already knows, but does not say anything because she wants your father in your life. Let it go. I am not saying hiding his sexual preference was right, but I would bet my life that he felt trapped with no other options back then.

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  • 4 years ago

    Playing it safe will never get you the girl. Women appreciate confidence, boldness, and persistence. Make the first move. Learn here

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  • 6 years ago

    What a burden to bear. You definitely need to get this out in the open. It's unfair for you to have to carry this secret around and deal with it alone, and it's unfair to your mother NOT to know. I am sorry for you and your family. Best of wishes to you.

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    unless you want your dad to keep doing this to you and your family you have to confront him and tell your family it will lead to crying and divorce but would you rather let this go on? So i wont tell him as soon as possible good luck

  • Carlos
    Lv 4
    3 years ago


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  • 4 years ago

    pray for him

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