Bossy preteen! Help please?

I voluntarily had my 12 year old sister move in me and my fiancé and our 4 year old.

She was a straight A student and then she got bullied by her twin sister and about 3-4 other girls. They did all get punished but rather than drs helping my sister they diagnosed her with anxiety, sever depression and insomnia and put her on meds. So this is why I took her in. I got her meds changed to an as needed med but she has only taken 2 in 2 months and only bc we had company.

She is rude, selfish, back talks, ignores, attitude, name calling to my autistic 4 year old who can’t speak and so on.

She has no phone or any electronics. She does school on the PC and can read or paint in her free time & of course a movie when we’re watching one as a family. She also has a schedule just like the rest of us.

So She will do great for a whole week and when I ask her to make up an assignment or tell me when she’s out of clean underwear, she turns back into a brat. everything is no, I don’t have too, etc.

I don’t argue w/her. I tell her how it is and walk away but she refuses. She doesn’t hurt my feelings or anything. I just don’t want her growing up and thinking that this behavior is okay. She can come to me about ANYTHING and I do NOT judge my siblings for anything they tell me. But I can’t get thru to her.

I believe she may have some depression or anxiety but I feel as if she uses it as an excuse. 

Help please! I want to change her around for the better.

Update:

I have spanked her and she just stares at me or says it doesn’t hurt. She has a very high tolerance for pain.

She’s worse with our mom. Doesn’t shower or go to school. Does not take care of her pet, etc. my problem is just her attitude and using depression and anxiety as excuses.

7 Answers

Relevance
  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Sit her down and tell her this this arrangement is at your pleasure, you're not obligated to have her there. Remind her how things worked out at home and let her know that boarding school or an in-patient care facility are what could happen if she doesn't straighten up. This of course assumes these actions are voluntary on her part and not symptoms of something she can't control.

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    maybe you should take her to a psychiatrist, it might help her out

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • 1 month ago

    A belt to the back side. 

    If she back talks you pop her in the mouth 

    If she won't do something when told then you punish her, that simple 

    She's old enough to do laundry and if she won't do it then she has to wear dirty clothes 

    If she won't take care of a pet then take the pet away 

    She has to go to school, drag her to the car and drive her to school and drag her inside then pick her up after school

    The depression and annuity are indeed just excuses 

    • A C
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      No hitting on the mouth.  The Bible prescription is a paddle ("rod") applied to the seat of education.  Spare the rod, spoil the child.  

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • 1 month ago

    Tweens can be like that.  If you think this is crazy, wait until the teen years.  And yes, they will use whatever condition they have (every kid has a condition these days) as an excuse.  Because who wouldn't.

    You have to understand where much of this is coming from, even though you've been there yourself.  She's at an age where she's too old for the stuff she used to like, but way too young for the stuff she really wants to do.  On top of that, she's got all these new emotions (the emotions aren't new, but the intensity is) combined with the hormones.  Remember what puberty did to you?  The levels of hormones crashing around in her body would literally kill any 30 year old.

    That said, you have to lay down some ground rules, and you have to enforce them.  As is the case when dealing with any human being, a) good behaviour is rewarded, b) bad behaviour has negative consequences and c) the punishment / reward must be proportionate to the crime (or good deed).  

    For example, you can't really punish a kid for having a sullen, rebellious or impatient attitude about them.  That's expected to happen on a regular basis, and it happens to every kid on the planet at that age.  

    For another example, you can't let her get away with directly breaking the rules.  No you won't argue with her, but you also won't let her get away with.  Yes she does have to tell you when she's out of clean undies, and no she isn't allowed to yell insults at anyone in the house.  If she decides to break those rules, there will be consequences and she will feel them.  If you think about it, you're not asking anything of her that the law doesn't expect of everyone.

    But as important as it is for you to punish bad behaviour, it's just as important to acknowledge and reward good behaviour.  If the good deeds are ignored, what possible value will she see in them?  Exactly.

    NOTE:  I'm not an expert in this stuff, and neither is anyone else.  Raising kids might be the most important job on the planet, but it's a job that comes with absolutely no rules or instructions.

    • A C
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      Thumbs up.  Mostly a good answer, but there are instructions in the Bible. 

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
  • Tj
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Tell her the facts. Get with it or you are getting out. Do not put up with her.

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • 1 month ago

    Keep reminding her that being with you is a privilege. Maybe get her little gifts every once and a while for accomplishments such as good grades, just to make sure she knows how much you care (obviously you care a lot). I remember thinking I was so cool when I was 12 and my way was always the right way. So just be patient. 

    • Shana Amos1 month agoReport

      I remember that age too! Oh how I would love to go back. Great advice that I will definitely try. Thank you!

    • Log in to reply to the answers
  • A C
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Tell her she can shape up or go back to her parents.  She's their problem, not yours.  You need to consider your own child.  I personally think she should be spanked every time she acts badly.  

    Edit:  Seriously, you need to pray for her and the whole situation.  If you have never asked Jesus Christ into your life as Lord and Savior, I urge you to do so.  He has helped me with all sorts of problems and blessed me a lot, as well as given me assurance of a home in  heaven.  I also suggest that you seek counseling and prayer  from the pastor of a Bible-believing church.  Some of the Baptist churches are good.  Please read the New Testament for more information.  I recommend starting with the Gospel of John; then Romans.  I will pray for you also.  

    • ...Show all comments
    • A C
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      I'm sorry for your troubles but I don't think these things are God's fault.  The world is in a mess because we are all sinners and  need a Savior.  I hope you change your mind because Jesus is ready and willing to help you.  Philippians 4:6-8

    • Log in to reply to the answers
Still have questions? Get answers by asking now.