Dv8s
Lv 7
Dv8s asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 2 months ago

Can you critique my short poem, please? It's called: When I'm Elderly?

When I'm old, and become a child again

Please care for me, as you did back then

Take my hand, and help me through

Patience is needed, I'm frustrated too

If I seem confused, don't yell commands

Don't push me around, or reprimand

Realize that I may need some extra time

To do little things, or get my words aligned

These are small favors you can do for me

Just have a little empathy, when I'm elderly

4 Answers

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  • 2 months ago
    Favourite answer

    aclaremos las cosas, esto que  presentas no es un poema,

    el poema es una composición poetica rimada...

    lo que tu expones se llama declamación...

    el color de las flores

    En el centro del mundo ha renacido un lirio.

    En tus manos cultivo las flores más sencillas.  

    Ha de brotar de tu alta meseta de semillas  

    un jardin de leyenda como el de mi delirio.  

    Del sol sobre tu frente caerán las astillas;

    verás como es un rojo y permanente cirio.  

    como si fuera el mundo trafago de martirio  

    los poemas del agua ruedan por tus mejillas.  

    Aquí los dos sumando flores de laberinto;

    casa de la mañana de ardientes colores  

    y la naturaleza sonora del jacinto.  

    Aquí los dos sumando maravillosas flores.

    El clavel de la dicha de encendida  

    Lujuria de luz, por tus senderos.  

    angel el tejedor.

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Nice. Do you have personal experience with elderly folk ?

    • Dv8s
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      Yes

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    i think its a good poem

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  • Marli
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    It's a nice poem.  

    It needs periods (full stops) at the ends of sentences.

    On the second line of the first stanza, shouldn't it be

    Please care for me, as I cared for you back then.  

    ?

    Patience is needed. I'm frustrated too.

    To do some things, or get my words aligned.

    • Dv8s
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      Thank you, Marli for your critique, and I'll consider your suggestions.

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