Is this correct and sound poetic?

When I got the heartache from your love,

My unfortunate heart was shattered into pieces.

It doesn't take long to yearn for you,

It only takes a song for your lovelorn to get intoxicated.

2 Answers

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  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    Hi,

    How about:

    I have heartache from your unrequited love,

    and my unfortunate heart is shattered into pieces.

    It doesn't take much to yearn for you,

    It only takes a song to get me, your lovelorn, intoxicated.

    - Now this is just my perspective but I think using present tense in the first verse makes the thought stronger.  

    - I added in unrequited before love since you mention being lovelorn, which is a one-sided love.  Otherwise the poem, for me at least, becomes a bit confusing as to why your heart is aching if the other is giving love.

    - In the 2nd verse I added in the 'me' to make it sound less 3rd person in nature.

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  • RP
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Yes, both in terms of grammar and imagery. There are always ways to improve things, though. One example might be whether you refer to "her" song and want to contrast that with "your lovelorn." Also, one might consider whether it is worth having a shattered heart which becomes inebriated, but never restored. These are only a few aspects you may want to consider.

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