Can someone give me feedback on my poem?
The calming tide lures me in
Keen to begin I look out
The roaring waves rise upward
Fear and fret I am without
White flashes and shades of blue
All I view is thrill and roar
I duck dive and feel dismayed
The stunning blue is no more
Green and fog with seaweed flies
Sting goes my eyes while inside
I lift my head up and see
The majestic waves crash down
Engulfed and with joy at sea
I am floating to get home
No need to comb through the wave
Looking up at the sun’s rays
Prevail at what the sea gave
- FLASHLv 71 week ago
I found it confusing.
- 3 weeks ago
I liked this poem...you thought the water was calm at first but then it surprised you with some action...I feel like you're writing from the perspective of a duck with its little ducklings behind her...I dunno if it needs a rewrite...it's a good poem.
- american noodleLv 43 weeks ago
The drinks and music lures me in
Karen! I shout
My genitals rise upward
desires my brain is clout
- Upton BitmeLv 43 weeks ago
Keen to begin what? Are you on a boat? Standing on the shore? Are you fishing? Going somewhere? A poem is just another way to tell a story---so tell the story. All I get from this is you and turbulent water and something stinging your eyes before things calmed down again.
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- 1 month ago
This is a great poem. I am giving an online award on behalf of institute of performing art and mind power development.
- Noah ThallLv 61 month ago
The bending of the sytax to accomidate the rhyme destroys it. "Fear and fret I am without" is the worst example. And what is it that prevails? The predicate is lost in the sentence structure.
- phoebeLv 62 months ago
The rhythm is off, especially with the first stanza. Sometimes its Duh duh duh Duh duh duh and sometimes it's Duh duh Duh duh Duh duh. It'd help to choose one or the other.
The words are evocative, but probably not made for the best use for imagery.
If it's allowed, you could try a freeform version of the poem and see what results from that.
- Elaine MLv 72 months ago
The 'calming' tide is the opposite of the rest of the severe wave action. It's a word that doesn't fit.
- Anonymous2 months ago
Good imagery. However, the overall feeling is very confusing. I’m not sure what this poem is about. A lot of beginner poets write like this. Using lots of powerful words and strong imagery. Try to strip down your poems and use simpler words. The feeling of the poem will be more powerful if it makes sense. Start with an idea and build up a clear and concise story in poem format.
- JohnLv 42 months ago
too long. try four senyances