Should I feel ashamed of myself?

I'm 27, still live at home with my mother, on ESA (employment support allowance), because I am unable to work due to having autism combined with clinical depression and anxiety, and while part of me wants to say it's not my fault, another part of me feels ashamed of myself sometimes. I feel like if I did ever start work I would have to do it in baby steps as diving in all at once would be too much. I just can't seem to stop comparing myself to other people, but would you say it's not my fault, because I'm not lazy, I'm not a scrounger or sponge off the benefits, I don't deliberately choose not to work, even though I still live at home I am fairly dependent, like I do my own food shopping, cooking, cleaning, help my mother out around all the time and that kinda thing

I do have some ambitions for the future but even then there's no telling how or if I'm gonna cope with them, guess we'll have to wait and see at the time, gonna be a long way off yet, I know you can reclaim ESA if you leave a job due to depression/anxiety or some other mental illness so that's why me going to work needs to be in baby steps as if I ever have to reapply for it then I wouldn't want the benefit office to get the wrong idea. But yeah, there's my question. Honest opinions?


I’ve seen multiple therapists over the years, and as a result I do feel a lot better than I was before, I did a BTEC course at college and graduated with distinctions and passes not never gone anywhere since then. I can’t afford to do another college course now, what with both sorting out travel and the actual course fees themselves. Really I’m only in a position now to work towards the ambitions that I have for the future, and just go from there really? I might try voluntary work somewhere-

Update 2:

-after lockdown is over. I have had voluntary jobs before but they never worked out. Before lockdown started I rode riding school horses once a week, and it’s been a goal of mine for a while now to maybe volunteer up there one day and then maybe get paid work up there? As long as it’s part time (at least at first) because I don’t want to take the risk of not being able to cope with full time hours and then being forced into universal credit. I just feel like such a loser when I compare myself-

Update 3:

-to others, even though my friends and family say its sad that I feel this way because I can’t help it and it’s not my fault and I’m not doing any of this deliberately. 

10 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    a. stop comparing yourself to others, you are amazing just the way you are and everyone is different

    b. don't be so hard on yourself, taking baby steps is ok and do things at a pace you feel comfortable

    c. you should definatly not feel ashamed of yourself

  • 1 month ago

    You have a soul purpose like we all. But yours is different. You may have a specific degree, but you will work in a separate filed. Your pathways are predestined. Yes it happens we do fall into depression and there are medicinal and non-medic ways to handle it. Have you thought of releasing all this pressure from you to feel right? What about a holistic lifestyle? Being more at peace?I felt exactly like you an I knew holistic part will suit me :

    I feel you do not be sad. I have always been an NGO worker, struggling from here and there and I finally could  raise my vibration to cut the sadness out because WE DO NOT DESERVE IT.

  • 1 month ago

    As a person who struggles with autism, depression and anxiety as well, all I can say is don't be ashamed, and most importantly don't compare yourself to others. You aren't like them, but there's nothing wrong with that. I know, easier said than done but you have to remind yourself that what you're dealing with is nothing to be ashamed of. I feel like the most important thing is that you know what you are struggling with, and that's more than most people can say about themselves. You know the areas in which you struggle, and you're smart enough to know when to stop. You know to take things slowly to not overwhelm yourself, you have plans to overcome these things step by step, and,if anything, that's something to be proud of. So no don't be ashamed of yourself. You know what you are capable of, and you do not think you capable of getting a job, all you can do is do your best to try to get to a place where you are capable of these things. It's up to you to figure out how, but you'll get there, and even if it takes a few years, the important thing is that you get there. Just remember that overcoming these obstacles is not about making them disappear, just about learning to maneuver around them and live alongside of them.

  • Naguru
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    No. It is not necessary to feel discouraged.

    You should associate yourself with nice friends. Dont' have any connection with those who discourage you. Improve your moral strength.

    You are the master of  your own destiny. Read good books written by Napoleon Hills. I suggest "Think and grow rich" or "Positive Attitudes".

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Go to community college or technical school and get a degree or learn a trade.  See a therapist to Helen you get over your depression and anxiety.

  • 1 month ago

    I have an idea that may help you.

    Contact your local junior college or city college.  Go to the admissions department and ask them if they have special support accommodations for someone like you who is looking to learn a job skill.

    Since you say that you have clinical depression and anxiety, you need to be working with a doctor, a licensed mental health provider to treat this so you can work and function.  So ask your doctor about this.

  • LAN
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Yes, yes you should

  • 1 month ago

    You're finding a way to live. You're no different than anyone else. There's no right way to live a life, as long as we don't hurt ourselves or others and try our best to be decent and kind. So try to do new things because it makes life more fun, but if you don't accomplish all that you want, welcome to the club!

  • 1 month ago

    I would show what you have written here to the mental health professional that diagnosed your autism.  Hopefully they are also the one that is treating you for your clinical depression and anxiety.  Use that as the basis to have a frank discussion on how you are doing and what you want to accomplish.  They can review your current treatment plan and see if any changes need to be made so you can reach your goals.  They should also be able to help you gain the coping skills needed to make your future goals a reality.

  • 1 month ago


    You were practically born with a lottery ticket, dear.

    🥴 You should never feel ashamed.

    I've been working for 20 years. 

    If I had the option to trade you, I would. 

    I would have been retired from the Sheriffs department by now if I stuck to it.

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