Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 1 month ago

De-escalating nit picky arguments.?

So my long term partner and I keep getting into teeny arguments that seem to quickly spiral out of control (lock-downs right?) 

I’m looking for a way to de escalate the arguments without backing down.

Here’s tonight’s example.

We finished a movie on Netflix, and went outside for a cigarette. He smokes tailored, I smoke roll your own.

He finishes his cigarette first and goes inside. I smoke another minute or two, and go back in and go to the bathroom.

After the bathroom I hit the kitchen to grab a drink and hear him calling from the lounge room in an exasperated way.

I call out ‘what?’ 

He calls out as I come into the lounge ‘hurry up. You always take so long.’

I say ‘sorry I have bodily functions I guess?’ 

He says ‘don’t get snappy with me.’

I say ‘I didn’t snap at you, you snapped at me’

No i didn’t, yes you did etc etc. I’ll ask in the middle somewhere if we can just not talk about it anymore (because honestly, who cares?) but he’ll always say something else that I feel I need to defend until finally I’ve had enough, and just leave the room to make it stop. Which brings on the sad sack ‘fine, let’s just go to bed’ routine. I’ll usually back down a bit by then and start taking a bit of responsibility in the hopes that he’ll do the same, which he rarely does.

I’d love a way to deescalate this kind of thing. I start feeling more and more like a doormat every time it happens, because i always back down first to make everything okay again. 


This is just what set us both off tonight, it’s not something I can head off before it happens, because it’s rarely the same argument twice. Something just clicks and it starts going downhill because we feed off each other’s negativity. I don’t think it’s outright disrespect either. Ordinarily we have a very healthy relationship, we’ve been together for 9 years, lived together for 8, and generally get along amazingly. We’ve just been cooped up together too long and it’s getting on our nerves.

5 Answers

  • Tj
    Lv 7
    1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    Time to agree to have chat time, weekly....... stating soon. You calming agree to be calm, not defensive, learn to try to solve the problem, with out  killing each other. With this damn virus, we all are on edge, we need to be aware of that, and try to understand that we all are snapping and do not even know we are doing.  Give chat time a chance, please.

  • 1 month ago

    If you go to a counsellor you'll both learn how to behave properly towards each other.  You obviously have communication problems.  As you say, these little snappy episodes are pretty wearing and SO unnecessary.

  • 1 month ago

    if u want to deescalate things u should stop answering back. right there u did snap at him and then continued. just  SHUT THE F UP. he said hurry up u should say "i'll be right with u". he said u always take so long u  SHUT THE F UP and stay shut. thus u wouldn't start arguing. it takes 2 to argue - one to argue and one to answer back. and believe me your relationship is very far from healthy. in healthy relationship people do not talk to each other like that 

  • A
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    you are both very immature, and sound like little kids.  You aren't dealing with this you either back down or say more but you are not resolving the issue.  the time to discuss it is NOT in the middle of it,  you are feeling like a doormat and holding hostility and it comes out.   Before you go out to smoke,  just say in a non agressive tone that it is going to take you a little longer to get back because you have to use the bathroom.  you may sound angry when you answer him due to the unresolved issues.

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  • Sandy
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    you can't deescalate his disrespect for you. he takes you for granted because you DO back down. ignore him, and don't do what he asks.

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