Ex husband and New boyfriend - want to keep the peace, sharing Kids... HELP!!?
Read the whole situation / question please.
I have an ex husband and 4 kids with him.
I have a current boyfriend that I love very much and is just starting to meet my kids and bond with them which is a great step in our relationship.
I need help figuring something out. need a compromise or something.
My BF asked me if I needed him to drive my kids to school. I was so excited and I said YES that would be great, so I don't have to walk in the Cold.
My Ex husband doesn't agree with this. My Ex husband wants to drive the kids to school but was letting me walk them to school because I enjoyed it. My Ex husband says it's a great moment he misses with the kids when he gets to drive them to school but I didn't want my Ex to come to the house if not needed, so I just decided I'd walk them over to school every morning, but it's getting cold.
I don't wanna crush my boyfriend's heart by saying no more driving the kids to school... because he was doing such a nice favor for me and the kids, I don't wanna make him feel like he's not appreciated, because it was such a nice thing he did and I appreciated it a lot!
So my boyfriend drove them to school and then came to my house and we had coffee and spent quality time together. It's a great way to spend a special morning with the one you love.
The Ex husband misses driving the kids to school and wants to be the only one to drive them :( and is causing trouble and said he's going to tell the kids to NOT get in my BFs car for school
- Pedal powerLv 64 weeks ago
Sorry girl, I would have to agree with your Ex husband, those are his kids and he feels he needs to take them to school.
- PatriciaLv 74 weeks ago
Your ex husband has no right to tell you what to with your kids while they're in your custody. Talk to your ex, it's not good for the kids to see all this animosity.
- Anonymous1 month ago
Stop letting you're Ex husband control you and your children if your current boyfriend wants to drive them to school let him no harm. There is other ways their dad can spend quilty Time with them. Sounds like your ex husband is jealous of your new boyfriend time to get over it and stop turning his kids against him otherwise he's gonna get fed up and dump your ***.
- TiffanyLv 41 month ago
Let your ex drive the kids! I understand you want the bf to bond with the kids, but they are your ex's kids before your bf's. Don't deny the ex quality time with his own kids. Depending on the agreement, I'm sure the bf is around the kids a lot more than the ex. You should be happy your ex takes an active role in the kids' lives. So many bio dads do little to nothing.
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- DavidLv 61 month ago
Men get ~screwed~ in divorce settlements. The children always go to the parent who has the vagina...even if that parent doesn't want them.
Men have to play tough and pretend it doesn't bother them, because there's not a heckuva lot you can do about it. But you die a little more inside, every day...being away from your children.
Now, here we have a girl who wants to deprive the father of even MORE time with his kids. To be clear, the new boyfriend is a red herring. It's nice that he gets along with the kids, and is willing to help. However, that should not factor into the decision of how the kids get to school AT ALL.
Your choice is...keep walking the kids to school. But that would be a rather "bltch" type move, because you are doing it just to deprive the father of time with his kids. Your other choice is to do the right thing and let the father drive the kids to school.***
The only thing you should not do is allow the boyfriend to drive the kids to school.
It's ironic that you accuse the ex husband of causing trouble. Think of it this way. If ex husband kidnapped the kids and took them to Bulgaria (or somewhere) and you never saw them again...don't you think it would be ironic if he accused YOU of causing trouble? You deprive the guy (who is already heartbroken over being separated from his kids) of the momentary pleasure of seeing them, even if it's just for a few minutes a day...
And you call HIM the trouble maker? You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a nasty human being. Evil, actually.
***I know you said you don't want your Ex to come to the house if not needed. But lady, the time to decide you didn't want this guy around was BEFORE you opened your legs for him. You chose to bear his child. FOUR TIMES. You can't "take back" that decision now, unless you want to grant him full custody. If you don't want to grant him full custody, then you are petty and immature for trying to limit his access to where his kids live. If he wants to drive them to school, then he NEEDS to pick them up at home. (duh!) NOW GROW THE FOCK UP FER CHRISSAKES...
- Anonymous1 month ago
Sounds like ex husband's ego is saying HELLO WORLD. Tell ex husband "Dont worry, theyre still biologically yours and they still love you regardless of who takes them to school on the days they aren't staying at your house."
Think about it - he didn't start getting his panties in a wad about how they got to school until he heard there was another man involved.
Ugh. Co-parenting lol
I do think it may be best that you go WITH your boyfriend, sit in the passenger seat or whatever, to drop the children off. I'm assuming you already do that. Mine aren't in school yet, and my wife and I are together, but thats' what we would do if we were in your situation. Which should make your ex husband feel better too - Like, "Don't worry ex, they're not alone with my boyfriend!!"
- Anonymous1 month ago
I'm not sure you're mature enough to drive any children anywhere.
You don't want your ex coming to the house if not needed. What? Maybe his children NEED him to drive them to school. Maybe they NEED to see their father. This sounds like parental alienation in the making.
You are putting a bf who very obviously isn't committed in the relationship before the needs and wants of your ex and possibly your children. If it will "crush your bf's heart" if he doesn't drive the children one of several things needs to happen: (1) he needs to mature so trivial things don't "crush his heart;" (2) you need to put your children and ex-husband's needs and wants ahead of your ego and the needs/wants of your children; (3) your bf is an uncommitted person whose needs should come behind those of your children and your children's father.
This is how I handled an ex-husband and bf. My children have VERY little contact with my children for a very long time. Their father and I were the main people in their lives. My bf (now my husband) was NEVER alone with my children until I was very sure who he was/how he acted/what he said.
Your ex-husband has every LEGAL right to ask for custody if he believes you are putting the children in danger OR if his concerns aren't being addressed. He also has every LEGAL right to tell YOU that he doesn't want HIS children in your bf's car. He can't control who you associate with. To a certain degree he can control who your CHILDREN interact with.
So the bf is incapable of walking the children to school WITH you and then going back to your house for "coffee," or, for that matter, stopping at your house after YOU walk the children to school for "coffee," or, again, after their father drives them for school - then he comes over for "coffee."
Ridiculous and immature - and dangerous - situation.
- Anonymous1 month ago
There's a couple of things going on here. I don't know your complete custody situation so I will make some assumptions.
1. On many days the only time your ex can spend any time with his kids is that brief morning drive. This is obviously a huge deal for him for that reason, since not seeing your kids for a few days at a time isn't easy.
2. Legally if you have full custody those days you are under no obligation to allow him to do anything. You are also allowed to have your boyfriend drive your kids. It certainly makes your life easier even if the reasons are somewhat selfish.
3. Involving your boyfriend more on drop offs and other tasks is a natural progression of the relationship, but it will cause more issues with your ex. If your ex does take things to court over it the judge will strongly consider his personal availability to drop the kids off to his advantage especially if you are not the one doing it.
There's no easy choice here. Most people would probably pick #2 and just deal with whatever happens. #1 is probably the fairest thing to do but the decision is yours to make at this point.
- Coach SimonLv 71 month ago
I didn't want my ex to come to the house if not needed". But if you're not walking the kids to school, is he not needed by your children?
It appears to me (and I may be incorrect) that you want to manipulate things in favour of your current love rather than doing what is best for your children. Or at least, what your children want. Do they have a preference as to whether their father drives them to school or your current boyfriend does? They only have one father, but you may not always be with this boyfriend and there may be another one in a couple of years or whenever. Their father wants to be protective of his children and of himself - in different ways. What if your children develop some sort of bond with your boyfriend and you split up? Does he have children? Does he want yours?
I am not making any criticism - just putting a point of view for you to ponder!
We fall madly in love, don’t we, thinking (feeling rather) that it will last forever and is enough for a serious relationship. However, it’s very hard to live on an emotional high for very long. Eventually we start to come down from the ecstasy, excitement, strong passions and desires, typically after around 18 months to three years (people vary of course). If couples are friends, discuss their mutual values, shared ambitions, interests, etc., in some depth (obviously there will be some differences, which help make relationships interesting), and make plans, work on their personal development, etc., this can develop into a long and wonderful relationship. If one feels insecure or low in self respect, it can make for a difficult partnership. It's easy to behave at our best when in love, but marriage, for example, requires a lot of self discipline, sacrifice, compromise and flexibility. If a strong friendship is not in place, the relationship will probably peter out eventually - or worse. Quite often we fall in love because we are lonely and allow ourselves to be won over by anyone who takes an interest in us. Thus we give away control to somebody else if we are not careful. This is another reason for taking things very slowly, and really getting to know someone before committing ourselves or getting too emotionally or sexually involved. Sex can be emotionally bonding, which is disastrous if the other things are not there: strong friendship, similar values and standards, common interests, etc.
Good Luck - and make sure you keep your feet in the ground! :o)
- JerryLv 71 month ago
Your BF needs to accept ...
... that your children and their needs are a higher priority than "him feeling like he's not appreciated."
... that as the children's father, your ex-husband has a great deal of authority in these children's lives, that this parental authority must be respected, not undermined.
You need wrap your head around all that as well. If the children will be needing rides to school and you won't be driving them, then their Papa must be the first one offered the opportunity to provide the rides. If Papa would rather not provide rides THEN you might choose some alternative like a friend, a neighbor, a sweetheart. But it would be wrong to exclude Papa when he wishes to do this.