Can you someone give me some tips on my fanfiction?

I'm writing my first kirby fanfiction about Garlude. Part of the plot is: "After being left for dead, Garlude was taken to the nightmare enterprise laboratory. Strapped to a table, one of the monsters gave her a crimson Sireum called Exstarukai. This she feels nauseous at first but then agonizing pain as her strength suddenly grew immensely. Once she opened her eyes, all she saw was a bloody mess in the lab, her hands and body covered in blood, and Nightmare smiling wickedly. "Well done my dear." He said. Satisfied by the results.  So how is it?

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